sooooo tired of all the freaking sweat.

Im gonna have to wash my sheets again today. Did that yesterday and it about did me in.

Oy and the pills.

dexamethazone keeps the swelling in my head down = no more headaches. this little bastard is also the one that makes me sweat so damn bad. yuck

zantac (ranitidine sp?) helps keep all the ulcers away from my tummy which Ive had to cut back. at my last appt they told me I was taking far too many. oopsie. THey also make me tired. all the damn time. and I suspect these little beauties are the cause for my sore throats. lovely and the fact that I feel like I have growing pains in my damn legs again today.

adavan - I call this my teeny little happy pill. Anxiety be gone. And it usually is after this little sucker.

imovane - my majic little blue pill. the adavan helps me fall asleep, the imovane is supposed to KEEP me asleep. raaaahahaha. not so much. I still wake up usually about 5 am in a full soaked sweat, and thats my night. At least Im not up 10 times to use the damn washroom like i normally do. lol

today it was a 2 am wakeup call today. started reading eclipse again in the damn middle of the night to make myself tired again. which did work. only had to read until 4 am. I'll pay for this today though.

oh, YAY. Twilight is on tv. think I'll watch that until the natives wake up for school.

'concent for treatment'appt tomorrow morning with all the big doctors. *sigh* gonna try real hard to keep anxiety in check today. hopefully a decent night sleep tonight, although im already pretty sure thats not gonna happen.

have a lovely day everyone.

fRIENDS..WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE?

OWHILE i WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR TWO WEEKS, i HAD MORE VISITORS THAN iVE SEEN ALL YEAR LONG. SINCE iVE BEEN HOME, NO ONE. eXCEPT MY BESTIE cHRITINA AND HER HUB tONY. lOVE THEM. <3

i GET THAT PEOPLE WORK AND WHAT NOT, BUT i HAVE A FRIEND FROM WORK WHO HAS BEEN PROMISING ME A VISIT FOR WEEKS NOW. shE SAID SHE WAS OFF YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND WOULD BE BY YESTERDAY. SHE NEVER SHOWED. MANY UN ANSWERED TEXTS LATER AND IM MORE THAN A LITTLE ANNOYED. IF YOU CANT MAKE IT, FOR FRIG SAKE, MAN UP AND CALL ME SO I DONT SIT HERE ALL DAY WAITING FOR YOU TO SHOW UP. i DO HAVE A DAMN PHONE PEOPLE.

i HAVE A SMALL SMIDGE OF ENERGY TODAY. HAVE MADE MY LUNCH, AND THROWN THE BED SHEETS IN THE WASH. THESE DAMN STERIODS MAKE ME SWEAT LIKE A STUCK PIG. GROSS. I CANT EVEN STAND MYSELF AT NIGHT. LOL I TOSS AND TURN. WHAT I WOULDNT GIVE FOR A DECENT NIGHT SLEEP. IM SO TIRED ALL THE TIME.

FRIDAY ONCE THE KIDS GET ON THE BUS, THE HUB AND I HAUL ASS TO KINGSTON FOR MY 'CONCENT TO TREATMENT' APPT AT 10 AM. i AM SO INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS TO GET ALL THIS SHIT STARTED AND TREATMENTS STARTED. ITS GONNA BE A LOOOONG ROAD, AND I KEEP TRYING TO IND MY POSITIVITY EACH AND EVERY DAY. iTS HARD SOMETIMES THOUGH.

K, SO

lemme time line it for you.....

BACK IN April, I started to have blindingly BAD headaches. IM talking the top of my head felt like it would blow off at any time. and it would have been an improvement. I had much stress going on at work which I thought may have been at least half the problem. Umm, no. My dear Mumsywas convinced that it was wiplash from our car accident a year prior. when I would wander into Trenton Emerge room, they would pump me full of gravol because i would complain of an upset tummy, as well as something for pain. as soon as the pain was gone, so was I. 'here's your hat, whats your hurry.

my darling mumsy got concerned, called our family doc and had me in in a heartbeat. the first thing she said to me was 'how long has the left side of your face been droopy like that'? Ummm, I have no idea. I never noticed to be honest. THEN the second thing she said was - headaches eh? get THEE to the KGH right now. you need a ct scan. Im calling ahead for you. this was 05 May 2010. that began a two week stint in the KGH for me. two ct scans, an MRI and a bone scan later, we found out that growing in my head were 4 rather large malignant brain tumors.

*BLINK BLINK* say what now?

A biopsy was scheduled for 12 May 2010. They put me right out and went in through a small spot on my forehead. THey took a sample and called it a day.

A few days later, 13 may 2010the doctor came up to see me, litterally 10 minutes after my parentals had left the roomand dropped the 'brain tumor' bomb on the end of my bed and left again. Gee, thanks Dr P.

I litterally floated up out of my body and fluttered out the window. I was STUNNED to say the least. I forgot how to use my cell phone to find my momback to my room before I completely melted down.

They let me go 'home' on mothers day weekend, and by home, I went to the parentals house because they didnt want me that far from the hospital. I went back only to find that they had moved my room. Jeremy took me to admitting immediately and we resigned for a private room. hell to the no was I staying in a ward.

im on many pills. steriods, a sleeping pill, zantax so all the other pills dont mess up my stomach. adavan (my happy pill) and imavane to help me sleep which is my magic blue pill. Me likie that one a lot. LOL so I officially have been diagnosed with brain cancer. I STILL cant wrap my head around that. I nearly lost my shit the first day I walked into the Kingston Cancer clinic. That was hard. I still have the 'I cant believe this is happening to me. I say 'WHY MEEEEE' at least 100 times a day.

Im not having such a good day today though. Im irrationally angry at some of my so called friends. People work, I get that. Im cool with that, really. however, I had More people call or visit when I was in the damn hospital than I have since Ive been home. Phone calls work too kids. I promise to try and not cry all the time when we talk. Im pretty sure my tear ducts are broken. they leak ALL the time. FUCK.

We did tell the kids over the weekend about everything. The stress of not having to have that conversation is gone now.

I am tired ALL the time. walking for 5 minutes knocks me out for hours. Im wobbly and jiggly all the time. my legs feel like they are going to fail me. I have to be very careful. The kids are awesome. Jack walks with me all the time with his arms around my waist to make sure im ok.

I have an appt this Friday for a 'concent to treatment' then I have my first radiation treatment the beginning of june. (08 June I believe)

Lets get this shit started people. Im ready to fight this MOFO NOW!!!